BANTER WITHOUT DOORS:
It is a pile of useless
god-forsaken collection of absolute gibberish! Duru Chimezie's 'Banter Without
Doors' just turned rubbish this week but guess what? Many are actually reading
it. Wondering why? Do check it out then!
Wow! It’s been exactly three weeks from my
last Banter and how unfortunate it's been! On two occasions I had tried putting
some things down but half-way into each case, I was always cut short by
situations needing urgent attention. And most often than not, I ended up not
returning to my PC for the week’s Banter. I do apologize to you all for this
nonetheless, and I have strived to see that we do end the month exactly the way
we started.
I have not done a ‘Banter Without Doors’
for a while now, yes. But it’s not like I haven’t been talking since then. For
James’ sake, how wouldn’t I? I have been talking virtually everywhere I went
(and to friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers). And of course I
have equally passed for a talkative on a number of occasions too. However, the
difference has always been that I had been doing the talking verbally and without
putting any of the things I talked about down here for you to read. So we might
just call those Banter, in plain language. Maybe it thus only becomes one
‘Without Doors’ once it gets on 360talkatives and the other places I publish
this too. Maybe I am sounding rather moronic and daft. Just maybe. Despite that,
and while it doesn't cover me particularly, in much glory, I will still want to
fill the next running paragraphs with more nonsense (and total garbage) and I
have already accepted that you would read it through, still. So, now that we
have just managed to go through the first level of absolute nonsense (albeit
helping you waste your useful time), can we now graduate to the next set of rubbish?
Beautiful. Here we go!
LOL. Now, I am not saying LOL as in LOL. I
am saying LOL as to mean the next nonsense I am going to talk about. I mean,
LOL is not the nonsense but we can say some nonsense about it. Get it? Good.
So, LOL. Here it is. One of the most popular internet acronyms. In fact, not exactly
internet, but rather, chat. So let me correct myself by saying ‘One of the most
popular chat acronyms’. It is so popular that if you were to chat for 24 hours,
you would likely spend 6 hours (and a half) or so of the time on the use of
LOL. That’s how bad. And despite how seemingly aimless, its use is increasingly
appearing, it still has its place in the chat world. While this should amaze,
the more interesting aspect of this entire thing is the manner at which several
ideas, ideologies, theories, comedies, conspiracies, etc has emerged from it.
For James’ sake, this is only an acronym and from the much I know, it was meant
to stand for ‘Laughing Out Loud’!. But how people are beginning to manufacture
some non-existing meanings and associating it with the humble LOL acronym,
marvels me. I even recently found this collection of texts from some unknown
person, describing LOL as a vice of the Devil. And that its actual meaning was
Lucifer Our Lord. C’mon!! For crying out loud! When are we all gonna grow up? I
mean, why can’t UNICEF mean United
Neighborhoods interested in Crime,
Evil and Felony? Anybody? Or ICPC mean In
Case Police Comes? (despite how stupid this one sounds). In fact, I can go
on a 20 acronym list in which I would twist any known, meaningful acronym to
mean some stupid senseless and basically time-wasting nonsense! LOL will always
mean ‘Laughing Out Loud’ and a daunting 99.9999999999999999999999% would keep
seeing it as so for all LOL cares! The earlier we dedicate our time to more
useful things like roasting fresh suya in front of our compounds, the better
for us.
Now, LOL shouldn’t really feel like it has
won the day because I still have some personal issues with it. After all, who
doesn’t? And I mean, very genuine issues (not referring to trying so hard to
change the acronym to suit one’s father’s middle names. Not at all). For
everything we know about LOL, we would never forget that it is the first
temptation to telling lies. If you are really religious, and are rather keen to
watch your steps in every of your daily living, but you still chat quite often,
then please, always ask for forgiveness of lies told, in every of your daily
prayers. Reason? You tell lies in loads at every chat! And before you frown and
wonder how, try remembering the last time you sent LOL in a chat simply because
you are sincerely 'Laughing Out Loud'. Remembered any? Absolutely not. So even
if you were actually laughing when you sent it, you were never Laughing Out
Loud. In fact, who even laughs out loud? You’d be a Santa Claus to do so
really. We have gradually dragged LOL from its true meaning and use to
something else! Today, we even use LOL as a ‘punctuation Mark’ denoting every
comments we make (even verbally) with the helpless acronym. Some even go as far
as applying it as some kind of bridge-gap
when they do not really know what else to type and send (like: "I
think I burnt my beans...LOL". So what's LOL about burning your beans).
And despite that, they still want you to accept they are Laughing Out Loud.
Holy Moses! LOL ultimately drags us all to sin. That is made clear enough now.
So can we just stop sending LOL to one another when we actually have faces like
stone sculptures cut into rocky slippery mountains? It will do wonder for our
religious standards and belief!! Anybody?
Alright. And I am attracted to hallowed
debates on certificates and NEPA bills too! An over-flowing load of total
rubbish and trash to examine here. How awesome! With what I have seen so far, I
very well know I might just be contesting for the presidency next year for all
Nigeria cares! Or how else are you going to interpret that? Certificate or no
certificate! Literate or not literate. Professor, Doctor or no Professor,
Doctor. Not remembering one’s phone number and remembering one’s phone number.
Voting for a NEPA Bill tendering Presidential candidate and Not voting for a
NEPA Bill tendering President candidate! My ears are full!! I have just heard
enough to fill a 6 storey-building load of 16 gigabyte DVD’s. I just wish we
had some kind of faucet for locking up our ear drums! For I am left to ask,
isn’t this our Presidential Elections campaign we are talking about here? Ain’t
we really tired of remaining primitive in a fast moving (Russian-happy) nuclear-world?
If I must start with any, then it would be the dude on his NEPA bill loyalty! From
what I learnt, he was a past international footballer for the super eagles and
just a few weeks ago in his famous self, declared that he would vote for the
APC Presidential Candidate even if he presents NEPA Bills as certificates!
WOW!! I mean, how can your desperation to see a Muslim or northerner come to
power, move you to want to undermine the importance of certain academic
qualifications? It baffles me! No matter how we feel about certain things, one
thing is certain, knowledge is power! And I mean academic knowledge in this
context (and I doubt if there had been any other context). The sooner, we begin
to look for such standards, the better. While the constitution never placed a
certain qualification as a requirement to seeking elective positions, it
doesn't do so simply because it wasn't written by those who had such qualifications.
When we have such people and with the will power, it will likely do. Rome
wasn't built in a day even though the people of Rome still knew construction
was going on. Unlike our case here.
Then talking about learned, qualified and
‘Doctorate’ Presidents. Wouldn’t it be better to have some moron in office as
president if having a non-moron wouldn’t really make any difference? For crying
out loud, the least we should expect from a campaign team of a seemingly
well-lettered man is a campaign activity decorated with decorum, colour and
respect for opposition groups. When a Doctor of Zoology chooses to allow
himself to be dragged into a masquerade dance of certificate search, scrutiny
and eventual forgery, then we should even ask what the ‘PHD’ behind his name really
stands for. I would want to see a campaign run from both sides, full of intense
heated debate on issues of value. From how electricity will be so abundant that
we would be gifting it to friends during Christmas to how our roads would be so
built that trains would even hate their own rails and begin running on bare
tarmac; if they were elected to power. While I know they could be empty
promises even if they did say them, it would still be awesomely and handsomely
better than dwelling on endless non-meaningful queries into who's got what
certificate, what University degrees and knowledge of phone numbers. Nonsense
indeed. This also includes my seeming criticism. After all, what Presidential
Candidate will get to read this? But hey, wasn't it the point of this piece?
Spending the whole time talking some absolute crap?! I never digressed after
all.
Ultimately, I promised you 1,600 words and
we have just about arrived there, but then it is actually going to be more than
that. Sorry, if you have some school runs to do. Or no sorry still, since the
rest will be coming in the next submission. So while I hold a 21 day fast and
vigil, in a bid not to fail you all next week, I reckon you'd want to dwell further
on this current pile of ample 'garbage' I've dumped here while we look forward
to next Thursday! Have a thrilling weekend. Thanks for reading!
NB: We might need a refuse dump next week!
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The 'Name/Url' option is advisable. You can fill in just 'Name' and ignore the 'url box'.