SO WHAT ARE WITH THESE BEARDS?

BANTER WITHOUT DOORS: In this week's Banter Without Doors Duru Chimezie simply has issues with beards. He spots one though but keeps complaining about that of others. Find out why he has got such bias. Read on.

Beards. The name in itself amuses. I mean, what in the world's name brought up having a name like that one in the first place? Beards. Big bearded Bernard B. Belington. Ughhh! I can't just think straight. And trust me, this is the act of being caught between sheer amusement and utter confusion. Moreover, there are persons who are even caught up with an apparent worse situation of sheer obsession for the thing. All in all, we are altogether trapped within, by this fascination called beards! Big bearded Benjamin Bensons!! Sheer poetry!

I keep beards. A sponge of a couple collectives that I haven't allowed to grow beyond a seeming glass ceiling. Apart from adding a thing or two to your comeliness, it generously contributes to people's perception of your manliness. It brings the much coveted 'sir' accolade. Keeping you, supposedly above your associates. It is plain charm!

But then, why the madness? Why the incredibly stupendous passion to harbor an absolute avalanche of black/brown/red fluff of wooly hair? Why the seeming gross desire to curl, gel, bleach, dye and shine what is maybe nothing more than an extension of the few strands (unless yours have never seen the blades) that comfortably reside in our armpits? Why? Why? It appears to beat me too. Worse could be the lots that even make sculpture out of it. Just take a look at this collection I have down here. Mind boggling!!

Stunning! The imagery. The seeming detail level and the ruthless assiduousness. It is totally perplexing. Three hours or more of a 24 hour clock might be what we stare at here. When you add that up across 30 days, you'd get a better but bitter idea of what's at stake. Ladies who do a ridiculous length of time with the saloons, would feel most conservative seeing those stats. At least they do theirs once in a couple weeks. These beards obviously have no competitor. Born out of a meticulous use of toiletries and stationeries. A cruel demand of plenty unending moments in front of a mirror. That combs may cry. Diligence of the most glorified order. If they were a pass to wealth, most will own banks and strong rooms. Pitilessly enough, they've placed no peanut on anybody's table.

Wikipedia, whom I assume must be telling themselves now, how ludicrous they must have been in throwing away useful time by dedicating some pages to this very thing on their reputable website, explained beards to mean several things to several cultures and ages. Would anyone believe that there was a time in Greek history when touching one's beard was a sign of plea? While saying the "I beg of you to let me those millets", you extend a hand to have a good touch of what must have been a well kept one back then. Well, good luck to anyone who wishes to try that out in our modern world. Ending up with a one-way nostril could be the least you'd get in return. Even in ancient India, keeping it long was some sort of a sign of wisdom. Bahh!! How brains contained themselves in those long threads of hair stuns me silly. Thank goodness we are generations and generations out of these practices. Or ain't we?

Important question. Everybody knows about the Muslim community. Keeping beards is one of the commonest practice amongst them. I have tried reading adequate literature to find out why but yet haven't done so. I still think there is a reason. Religious as it may. And I accept that they have all the right to keep to certain ways of life while observing their religious rites. Keeping beards inclusive. But then what about those who have no such rites to keep? I mean what about the non-Muslims? What about the millions who have no ceremonial, sacramental or religious demands to keep beards but still do so anyway? What about them? What are their reasons? Remember we are not talking about having a patch of wool sitting flaccidly under your jaw or around your chin. No. We refer to an outrageous beehive of stretchy woolly hair that could pull your jaws down if they had a life of their own. That's what we are talking about here. And the question has always been; what's with such beards? Why would people who ain't keeping them for sacred reasons, do so? I am puzzled. A pretty stupid thing to worry about, I know, but I am plain worried!

In the military, it is abhorred. This even began in the rank and file of Alexandra The Great's legion. Their theory was that keeping a beard was going to mean your enemy having something with which he can pull you in to kill you. Well, sounds like a toy-story. But then, they shaved all of them off. I wonder the height of the heap that came out of it. That aside. I am however more concerned with it being a necessity in the military today. Nobody would tell me some crap about it being some kind of fish hook to pull me into my enemy. Not in this present age of missiles and airstrikes. But the military still insist on a cold shave. Which brings me to another question - if heavy beards were really that awesome to wrap around one's face, why then isn't it allowed in one of the world's most disciplined community? Something must be a reason or don't you think so?

I do not need some specialist to show me in pie charts and graphs that having a ridiculous looking beard like one of those ones up there CAN be a strong sign of poor hygiene. For all the talk about needing to have loads of time before one can keep a sprawling beard, my answer is, it does take even a greater amount of time, coupled with diligence, to keep a low one or a bald. Both do demand dedication but the later demands it in a bigger way (unless you've began introducing graphic design and computing into it. That is the only way I can describe some of the ones up there). I have read before that the ladies (who unfortunately do not enjoy the mystery of the beard) are usually a bit more endeared to men who keep a consistent size of beard or are constantly shaved than the rest who are happy to host football matches in their apparent pitch. That should also mean something. Waking up every morning to inspect and make sure your beards are not walking out of their limits is pure manliness. Same as making sure no new studs are appearing in a bid to keep things clean. Now, how do you compare that with only having to pull off a strand or two? That is, if you are not the type that do not care about what size you have gathered. It is simply not comparable.

I love beards. Brief ones though. And I love the glistening nature of a well kept one. Even though my opinion cannot impose itself on everyone and neither would change the world right now, I still think having a banter here about it would get my views across. Guys and girls, what do you think? Would you rather a thick avalanche of human hair hanging down a face, or a pretty smooth face with just patch or two? Cannot wait to hear you speak. See you next Thursday!

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